Fun jokes English

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy". He bought the "picture", but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she furned, "So that's the ugly WITCH he's runnin' around with!"


The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door:
 Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain
 your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
 Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
 claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
 pleasing in the slightest.

 The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me
 to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
 faster than you can run.

 I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
 this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
 comfort, however.
 Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It Is not
 necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the
 fullest extent possible.
 I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging
 out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

 For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some
 miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
 necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
 the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door
 I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline
 attendance is not required.

 The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other
 dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
 Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on
 the front door:

 TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
 (1) They live here. You don't.
 (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
     That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
 (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 
 (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short,
     hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

 Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
 (1) eat less,
 (2) don't ask for money all the time,
 (3) are easier to train,
 (4) normally come when called,
 (5) never ask to drive the car,
 (6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
 (7) don't smoke or drink,
 (8) don't want to wear your clothes,
 (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
 (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
 (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..


A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to the mail box. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, opened it, and slammed it shut and angrily stormed back into the house. As the man was getting ready to
edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keepssaying,'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'"


Ashdeep invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Ashdeep's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ashdeep and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ashdeep volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Jeeti and I are just roommates. "About a week later, Jeeti came to Ashdeep saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take
the chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Ashdeep. Several days later, Ashdeep received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jeeti, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jeeti. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now. Love, Mom. Lesson of the day: Don't Lie to Your Mother.


Seems God was just about done creating the Universe, but had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. It's a very handy thing, God told the couple. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability?"

Adam jumped up and blurted out, "Oh, give that to me. I'd love it. Please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be great. When I'm out working in the garden, I could just stand there and let it fly. It Would be So cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to." On and on he went like an excited little boy... Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. She added it was the sort of thing that would make him happy and she wouldn't mind if Adam was the one given this ability. And So, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his urine while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him and laughing with delight all the while. And it was good. Fine, God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. "What's left in here? Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms... "A lawyer and a blonde were sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leaned over and asked the blond if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and moves closer to the window to catch a few winks.The lawyer persists, saying the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer you pay me, and vice versa. Again, she declines and tries to sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blond he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this. If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5.00, but if I don't know the answer
I'll pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and figures there is no way to end this torment unless she plays.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What is the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer puzzles over this, pulls out his laptop and consults all
internet sources, calls his law library, but finally gives up and pulls five one hundred dollar bills from his wallet. The blonde accepts them and turns to take her nap. The lawyer says "Wait, what is the answer?" The blonde opens her wallet and hands him a five dollar bill


A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled
at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last drop." Mom blushed,
but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson&Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husbands' cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still
nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British
Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

 


John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby." John said that he would prefer the floor. The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met
a gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "Who are you?" "I'm Baby, and who are you?" "I'm stupid," he said.

Ring, Ring, Ring.................. Hello?" Says a little girl's voice. "Hi,honey,it's Daddy," Says Bob."Is Mommy near the phone?" "No,Daddy.She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank." After a brief pause,Bob says,"But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes I do,and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay,then.Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone,run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay,Daddy!"
A few minutes later,the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well,I did what you said,Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well,Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming,then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's dead." "Oh my god... And what about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool,but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water
to clean it,so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." There is a long pause,then Bob says,"Swimming pool????? Is this 854-7039?"

 


A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. A mile down the road, he's stopped by a police officer. The officer asked up to the driver's side window holding a Breathalyzer and said, "Good evening sir. We're testing for drunk driving. Would you please blow into this machine?" The man replied, "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow in that machine, I will get out of air". "In that case, I'm going to have to ask you to come back to the station for a blood test." The man said, "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death.". The officer said, "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line." "Can't do that either," said the man. The officer was getting irritated. "And why not?" "Because I'm dead drunk."

 


A South African is enjoying a hearty breakfast - coffee, croissants, toast, butter & jam, etc. when an American, chewing gum, sits next to him and starts an unwanted conversation:
American: "You South Africans eat the whole bread?"
South African: "Of course."
American (blowing bubble with his gum): "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle, rebake them into croissants and sell them to South Africa."
American: "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
South African: "Of course."
American (chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth): "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and left overs into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to South Africa."
South African: "Do you have sex in America?"
American: "Of course we do."
South African: "And what do you do with the condoms?"
American: "Throw them away of course."
South African: "We don't. We put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America.

 


Seems God was just about done creating the Universe, but had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. It's a very handy thing, God told the couple. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability?"
Adam jumped up and blurted out, "Oh, give that to me. I'd love it. Please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be great. When I'm out working in the garden, I could just stand there and let it fly. It Would be So cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to." On and on he went like an excited little boy... Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. She added it was the sort of thing that would make him happy and she wouldn't mind if Adam was the one given this ability. And So, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his urine while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him and laughing with delight all the while. And it was good. Fine, God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. "What's left in here? Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms... "

 


A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units' than his dad. His other replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

 


Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?" Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife."Mr Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

 


John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out. The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the Mental Hospital, as he considered him to be OK. The Doctor said, "We have good news and bad news for you, David! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, Mr. John, hung himself in the bathroom, and died." David replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry.

 


Deep in the jungle Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

 


John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks. "Not really," says Mary. "Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John. "No," she responds. "What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests. She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks." "Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks. "John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary. "Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.

 


Five Kinds of Sex: The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F*ck you!" There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife f*cks you in front of everyone in court

 


Sex in the dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romanti c session, she turned on the lights. She looked down .... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator ....soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She goes completely ballistic."You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of
these years? You better explain yourself!" The& nbsp; husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the
toy....... if you explain the kids."

 


A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had
boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son,
"The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother
that many of the men have larger 'units' than his dad. His other replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again
satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother,
"Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

 


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